Sneak Attack

Remember when I was fixated on Björk the other week? Well, those Instapump Furies never left my mind, I was literally thinking about them every night to lull myself to sleep, so I ordered them. Who knows if they’ll ever make it to Argentina. Anyway, this particular sartorial sinkhole was unique to me, because… those shoes are not in any way, shape, or form what I would identify as “my style.”

I have never, EVER worn neons, never liked hyper-chunky shoes, never really got the sneaker bug in general. And yet! Björk + the styles of my new friends and brands I’ve encountered in Buenos Aires, which tend to skew way more ravey and dramatic than the ways I’ve dressed in the past, have unlocked some new proclivities in me that were until now clogged with aesthetic prejudice. I am still anti-polka dot, though the fact that it’s trending now and I’ve seen it worn so well in the past few weeks (not to mention my ride or die Erin’s valiant attempts to sway me) are definitely causing some wavering.

However, the thing I’ve fallen head over heels for, as hinted, sneaker culture, most specifically sneakers that exist in the tenuous space between awesome and awful. Some sneaks, like Y*ezys, just give me bad vibes, I can’t explain it, sneakers have seemed almost sentient to me in my perusals of resale sites the past few weeks, and often my judgement of them resides in this surrealist, metaphysical realm. I can’t identify hard and fast rules as to what makes me love or loathe a sneaker. I’ve noticed some through-lines and themes, noted below in bullet format, but no overall rules I can share for an easy “Hot or Not” listicle.

There are even some sneakers in this post that kind of repulse me, or scare me, or simply confound me. Some also just make me laugh. I’m having fun with fashion again! Please report back to me on Instagram as to whether or not this sneaker curation has you concerned for my sanity, or just to say hell yeah if you like any of the sneaks below.

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Apocalypse But People Try To Still Dress Cool

  • Buckles/straps/chains in addition to or in lieu of laces (functional? does it matter?)
  • Zombie flesh tones (dusty purples, sickly greens, greyish blues)
  • High tops with chunky collars
  • Sculptural shapes
  • Utilitarian, but cheeky about it
Air Trainer ~ $100 – $250

I am down bad for the above shoe. I can’t explain why. It looks like the corpse of a Pixar Bugs Life franchise villain and I want it.

Shoreline Luxe – $64.95 (Sale)

The above could be the new TikTok shoe once the Hopara hype is over.

Flow ~ $80 – $250
Chunky Harness – £270.00
Leather Trainers – $160.55 (Sale)

The above sneak looks like it contains the soul of a kindly forest spirit.

Vintage Air Trainers – $100
Offline Pack – $96 (Sale)
Wedge Sneakers – $80.50 (Sale)

Are wedge sneakers evil? These hide the wedge so well I think it’s honestly hilarious and I’m 5’1 so these could change my life.

High Tops – $50 (Sale)
Vintage Sneakers – $49

The Footwear Equivalent of Having Perennially Dorito-Stained Fingertips

  • Guy Fieri would compliment these
  • Any 9 year old worth their salt would worship you if you wore these
  • I usually don’t love black sneakers but when color explodes out of the inky background like that
  • Angelina Jolie in Hackers would make fun of you if you wore these but then she’d kiss you in a pool later on
  • They need to look like they run on batteries
XT-4 – $220
XT-6 – $152 (Sale)
Gore-Tex Sneakers – $140

The above are my favorites. The combo of navy + lime green is having a huge impact on me right now for many reasons I’ll get into in a future post.

Kayano 14 Sneakers – $200
Sail Racer ~ $60 – $250
Sneakers – £550.00

Like Bowling Shoes Without the Stank

  • Low-profile but not too cool for school
  • Since the shape is so simple, color choice is everything with these
Air Humara LX – $170
90s Sneakers – $65
Vintage Sneakers – $80
Air Mada – $104 (Sale)

I was fixated on the above sneaks for weeks a few months ago but never pulled the trigger and now they’re sold out in my size. So it goes.

So-Called “Booties”

  • Neoprene or nylon or something stretchy
  • Bizarro details necessary (chunky flower tread? ankle ruffle? bungee cord? Dale! Yes I am reveling in the fact that I can casually use that word down here and people don’t immediately think I’m doing a Pitbull bit)
  • Must look half practical, half outrageous + half old-fashioned and half year 3000
Fusion Sneakers – $195 (Sale)

Ruby Redstone gets credit for sounding the alarm on Dior Fusions. What a concept, to take a perfectly modern, utilitarian, water shoe-looking shape and smother it in bling lifted directly from your nicest aunt’s sweater. And the fact that it results in what I might dare deem a perfect shoe? Proof that there’s a metaphysical aspect to sneakers that we don’t talk about enough.

Studded Sock Sneakers – $195 (Sale)
Vapor Sneakers – $157.50 (Sale)

Above color and shape makes me think of claymation, but, like, in a sexy way.

Neoprene Sneakers -$138 (Sale)

Above make me want to vomit but if I saw someone wearing them I’d buy anything they tried to sell to me.

Plaid Sneakers – $45 (Sale)

I want to ford a river in these even though everyone knows it’s always worth it to just pay to take the ferry because otherwise all your oxen will break their legs and you’ll get dysentery immediately. These shoes make me unconcerned with reality.

Strappy Type Deals

  • Mary janes! Or double strap level 2 mary janes!
  • Should be in either slim and in a sporty fabric (neoprene, nylon) or extremely chunky and whatever material. Human skin, whatever (more on that below)
  • Weird, antagonistic color combos or plain black but something going on texture-wise
Colorblock Sneaker – $196 (Sale)
Kamasu Sneakers – 2 300 SEK

I usually hate the spiky treads on sneakers but the shape of these (above) is so prim that they feel genuinely antagonistic and thus fun.

Colorblock Sneakers – $66.50 (Sale)

Probably the ugliest shoe in this post so far above. Buy them and hide them away for the service of humanity. And yet… there’s something about them………

Cloth Trainers – $245 (Sale)

Color Combos That Make Me Feel Weird

  • At this point, we are solely going off vibes and any residual color theory that may have accidentally attached itself to my weed-saturated neurons in art school
Lyte – $130
Gel Kayano – $136 (Sale)

I feel like I could chew these (above) and they would taste like gum.

Sonoma Sneakers – $220

The two greens above? Especially the cooler green? Yeah they feel like they were invented in a lab as torture devices like how they sometimes paint prison walls Pepto Bismol pink.

Floral Print Sneakers – $85
Blade Sneakers – $150
Valentine’s Day Sneakers ~ $100 – $220

The sole is the key here! THE SOLE! IS IT THE PINKISH RED OF THE BODY OR IS IT PRIMARY RED? WHY IS THE ACCENT COLOR THE EXACT HUE OF DRIED BLOOD? THE NIKE SYMBOL WITH FRILLS? This is almost as visceral and Paul Thek-ian as the last shoe below.

Evangelion Unit 01 Cosplay

Colorblock Sneakers– $51 (Sale)

I mean… if you know, you know, and if you don’t, that’s fine, keep scrolling.

When You Accidentally Step in Your Goo While Wearing Your Nice Socks

Cloth Trainers – $300 (Sale)

A Slab of Raw Meat

Velvet Sneakers – $80.50. (Sale)

I don’t even know what to say here. I don’t eat meat, never have, but its aesthetics fascinate me, especially when they refer back to the human body like in clothes or the weirdest sneakers I have ever seen. Meat-eaters, what does this look like? Is it a fish fillet or something? DM me and let me know.

Well, have a good Saturday night! I just got some horrible news so I’m going to go look at a wall and get misty-eyed, hope you also have some fun plans!

❤ HR

Published by ESK

communist fashion-loving sicko

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