Weddings: Chaos Agent Style

We are well into wedding season, I guess! Weddings are so weird but I am a huge fan of their awkwardly saccharine, potentially hilarious, always ripe for sartorial drama nature. I’m keeping the written components of this post brief, as I want to get it out to you ASAP so you can take inspiration from my suggestions on how to dress to be the most chaotic presence possible at your frienemies’ nuptials this summer. Whether you want to majorly piss off the bride, are in the wedding party but still want to signal you are DTF, or there is no dress code and you want to exploit that, here are some leads for you.

Note: Many of these suggestions are on the more ridiculously priced side, as people tend to spend more on wedding attire and I was simply having fun putting this one together. If any of these piques your interest but is out of your price range, DM me @humanrepeller on Instagram and I’ll help you find a dupe. Also, don’t forget to support HR on Patreon so I can keep ruining the weddings of people I don’t know for no charge!

Petty Guest

The one thing you NEVER do is wear white to a wedding, right? So that’s exactly what we’re gonna do! Especially effective if the people getting married don’t believe in wearing white (I personally cannot imagine wearing a white outfit at my wedding for various reasons, most pragmatically the potential for STAINAGE) so onlookers assume you’re the bride or groom or whatever you wanna usurp.

If you ARE into the idea of wearing white at your own wedding, these are WAYYYY more affordable options than your standard bride/groom attire, and I will dare to venture that they are… cooler than most standard dresses and suits? The top dress makes me want to eschew all my views on the weird virginity cosplay the White Dress entails and get married tomorrow just so I can wear it.

Rogue Dress – $1,695
Cloud Dress – $1,415
Vienne Dress – $213 (Sale)
Mulberry Puff Sleeve Dress – $134 (Sale)
Lace Trimmed Dress – $968.13
Zab Dress – $420
Pin Tuck Dress – $747.50
60s Maxi Dress – $250
Beaded Cardigan – $1,185
Ultra Light Jacket – $79.90
White Pants – $295
Glitter Mary Janes – $347 (Sale)
White Glove Shoe – $371 (Sale)
Melissa Edition Point Mules – $185 (Sale)

Bridesmaid/Best Man Who is DTF

You gotta look put together enough to awkwardly watch your best friend or sibling or desperate coworker make out with their partner < 3 feet away from you while in front of a crowd of near-strangers, but you want to introduce some interesting details like rich hues, confounding constructions, or dramatic accessories into your look to catch the eye of any potential trysts in said crowd. The sexiness must be present (you are DTF) but subtle enough that the bride doesn’t throw a glass of champagne on you for “pulling focus” and “ruining their wedding” or whatever happens on reality shows.

Wool Blazer – $548 (Sale)
Wool Trousers – $210 (Sale)
Cotton Twill Suit – $728 (Sale)
Gathered Glass Tie Skirt – $440
Breastfeeding Bride Dress – £1,800.00
Pleats Please Dress – $300
Ruched Dress – $845.43
Cotton Dress – $52.50 (Sale)
Lane Dress – Almost 100% sure the price is wrong
Dara Dress – $400 (Sale)
Cowl Slim Dress – $90 (Sale)
Motif Loop Tie – $220
Chiffon Flats – $740.04
Casati Mules – $364 (Sale)
Chisel Toe Oxfords – $421 (Sale)

No Dress Code

Relaxed silhouettes + cheeky (I hate that word, I’m not British, but it’s apropos here) takes on typically casual garments + jumpsuits + risky concepts (boiler suit? Leotard dress?) + wild card shoes (if they are sneakers, stick to brand-new and slick ones–no dress code doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be cringe, sartorially, to show up in stained Vans slip-ons).

Deconstruction Shirt – $56 (Sale)
Gathered Blouse – $294 (Sale)
Tailored Jacket – $89.90
Green Nylon Blazer – $500
Junya Watanabe Dickies – $410
Corduroy Trousers – $220 (Sale)
Cotton Jumpsuit – $840
Blossom Dress – $375
Linen Midi Dress – $142 (Sale)
Raw Vault Mules – $137 (Sale)
Leather Slippers – $198 (Sale)
Techno Fabric Sneakers – $437 (Sale)
Tar Dip Sneakers – $226 (Sale)

If you have any wedding gossip or drama to report, PLEASE DM me on Instagram @humanrepeller! I live for that shit! Especially any drama that your outfit elicits…

❤ HR

Published by ESK

communist fashion-loving sicko

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