As you may or may not know, depending on how many months you’ve dutifully tuned in to this blog (thank you for sticking around, by the way, after the past few weeks of me not posting–life has been happening to me, you could say, and I’m all the better for it), I am typically a big proponent of utilitarian fashion. I like feeling protected and armed by my garments. But recently, I’ve come around to the romance of wearing something kind of ridiculous, or pointless, or excessive.
As I type this, I’m drinking unsweetened, hazelnut-flavored iced coffee (it’s the first really warm day in NYC of the year). This coffee tastes like a research chemical made by disgruntled food scientists, and yet, I am drawn to purchase and drink it over and over again. A little perversity adds tension and intrigue to a beverage, a personality, an outfit. Here are some garments that there are just no good reasons to wear plus why I think you should try ’em out anyway.
Titanium Sports Necklaces
These necklaces purport to be filled with titanium to “stabilize the electric flow that nerves use to communicate actions to the body.” Considering this is simply… not how they work and our cell phones are probably more magnetized than these necklaces, it is easy to dismiss them offhand as being pointless and stupid accessories for bricks-for-brains baseballers, but they are similar in function to crystals and stones: talismans with which to imbue energy and intention to reap in times of great need, whether you’re pitching with bases loaded or just need to make it from 4 PM until 5 PM without killing yourself at your office desk. There are some interesting designs for sports necklaces, but I like them simple and single-stranded. They look great when you want to accessorize an outfit but keep it on the masc-casual side and you’ll attract baseball fans like flies with one on. If Fever Pitch had continued an hour longer (god forbid), Drew Barrymore would’ve started wearing one of these as a good luck charm to keep herself from getting conked in the head by any more balls or laughed on by Jimmy Fallon.
Sometimes the garment itself isn’t perverse but *society* is, man. I hadn’t worn low-rise jeans in over 10 years when I tried this pair of Levi’s on, and I instantly was furious at the fact that whenever this trend comes around, the only people who get exposure in it are ab-encrusted celebrities. It’s an impractical trend in a society that abhors the belly and is terrified of folds and roundness. Though I do not have a Britney Spears washboard and likely never will, I have a body that is not marginalized in terms of size or skin color, so I realize this not much of a salient stance politically, but I’m not trying to be edgy, just honest about the fact that I think it’s fucking stupid for any body to be relegated to one shape of bottomwear, bellies that emerge over a waistband or hips that have love handles are aesthetically pleasing, and all the thinkpieces that irrevocably tie the “return of Y2K fashion” to the return of “heroin chic” as the body standard are replicating the evil aesthetic hierarchies they purport to critique.
I wish there were photos of fat low-rise-jeans-wearers I felt comfortable sharing here, i.e. from a fashion editorial or an influencer’s page, but since instead of oohing and ahhing over hot fashionable non-skinny people adapting trends the media chooses to foment panic about the “necessary body type” these trends “require,” all I could find were private photos I wouldn’t share without consent. If you are or know of a fat fashion plate who wears low-rise jeans please give me a holler here or @humanrepeller on Instagram and I’ll write up your looks in an upcoming post!
These MUST not be comfortable, right? They just look too damn sick. I love the circle over the wearer’s lips in the first one and have been lusting over the pearl nosebridge adornment for almost a full year. Both make the wearer look otherworldly.
I was so taken by these hair pins that @amby.strickland wears in the below photo that I was dismayed to find out they are currently not available from the source, Plutonia Blue. In the meantime, I’ll keep searching for chains to adorn my skull and crossing my fingers that these platonic ideal hair pins come back soon!
Various and Sundry Bottoms
From a cinched pair of black pants Angelina Jolie’s character in Hackers would have died for, to straight up “Pirate Pantaloons,” to satin/Muay Thai shorts (I chose unprinted because I feel iffy about wearing prints with huge words in a language I don’t understand and have no friends that read), to kilty thingies, here are some bottoms that will bemuse and delight anyone who happens to be looking at yours. 😉
I chose only bottoms that I could actually see myself wearing in public. YES, you can style striped pantaloons. I’d wear them with an oversized, kind of grimy vintage band shirt and an oversized leather jacket and Mary Jane style shoes, or with a tight black or white white tank top and high-top sneakers and a baseball cap. The rest of the bottoms seem more self-explanatory but don’t hesitate to drop me a line if you want more styling explanations.
I hope your day is as happy as mine has happily been, and I hope you wear something that makes you feel good for no good reason some time soon. As always, I am here and @humanrepeller on instagram and if you really want to find me in person I’m sure you could with some mild internet stalking (please don’t) (just hit me up on Instagram and we can hang out and it won’t be weird) (thanks!).