Outfits for Momentous Occasions

There is often talk about how to dress for a *special occasion,* with the connotation that that occasion is necessarily exciting or fun, a party, a wedding, etc. Here are some outfits for momentous but maybe also a little abject occasions such as Getting Fired, Picking Up Plan B, and Going to See a Friend You Don’t Like.

Regressing at Your Childhood Mall

The whole point of going to the mall as a teen was to indulge in the fantasy of someone falling in love with you, maybe a manager at Hot Topic or the pretzel twister at Auntie Anne’s, or even just another sweaty adolescent in front of you in line at either of those places. Bring that spirit back as you regress at the mall over the holidays with unsubtle hair extensions, an earnest anime tee (to impress the Hot Topic types), and a skirt that matches the hair in a way so divine as to elevate mall-lurking to a transcendent experience.

Short Heart Extensions Pink Brown

Vintage Evangelion Tee

Lace Mesh Rollneck

Upcycled Pleated Mini Skirt

Off-White Zig Kinetica II Sneakers

Getting Fired

Look professional in a crisp white polo and vest, but wear the brand of the beer you will be drinking as soon as your foot touches the threshold of a bar on said vest, carry a cigarette, joint, or note from your mom expressing her undying love and support around your neck, and wear sweats that simultaneously send YOU a hopeful message and your soon-to-be-ex-BOSS a subliminal Fuck You. Finish it off with Mary Janes in a cheery color, you know, to keep it professional.

Necklace Holder

Beer Vest

Polo Shirt

You Matter Sweatpants

The Mary Jane

Meeting Your Discord Friend for the First Time

Go casual but bright, with a shirt that can stow your hulking cell phone close at hand in case you need to post selfies on discord together to make everyone else jealous. Avoid the impulse towards an anime tee, that’s for the mall, here you want to express that you do indeed have a life off the internet, paltry as it may be.


Vintage Woolrich Puffer Jacket

Black TempoPockets Shirt

Clam Diggers

Black Shearling Yeti Bootshttps://www.ssense.com/en-us/women/product/our-legacy/black-shearling-yeti-boots/7799841

Picking up Plan B

Glam but unsettling is the name of the game. You’ve been through something, but you don’t need any pity or worry. That looks like an egg on the shirt (which you should wear braless if possible to emphasize your virility) which is very on-theme, and the robo-bunny on the skirt will intimidate any assholes who dare to look weirdly at you as you trundle the huge plastic security box they idiotically keep Plan B in in many drugstores down the aisles. Top it all off with a bejeweled, sacred-looking headband to emphasize the sanctity of the body that YOU are taking excellent care of!

Chandelier Band

Garden Turtleneck

Lime Long Skirt

Turquoise Tri-Square

Going to See a Friend You Don’t Like

Wear a balaclava to hide your 😐 face, a scarf that will subtly repulse them, and tactical gear for when you make your hasty but elegant escape.


Fumo Scarf

German Army Field Jacket

Painted T-shirt

Vintage Satin Cargo Pants

Hiking Boots

Let me know if you have any requests for other occasions, joyful or abject, you’d like me to dress you for!

❤ HR

Published by ESK

communist fashion-loving sicko

2 thoughts on “Outfits for Momentous Occasions

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: